My Sphere of Madness

Photo: Karen Tjøstelsdatter Taxerås

I was writing to a friend of mine, rambling on about the good old days, and how we were..
But most of all about how things haven’t changed. Not one bit.
We grew older, yes. And hopefully a bit wiser.
But in the end we’re still the same kids that were hooked on men, and high on love.
(Now, how can you blame us? We’re women, after all..)
And that she’s still a maneater, and that she still think about men and love 24/7.

Ending, and summing up, I told her “But, I love you anyway”.
It does sounds all fine and dandy, doesn’t it?
But then I started thinking;
Isn’t that the same as telling her “I love you, despite of how you are”?
Why do we tell that to people we care about?
Despite all the things you say and do…
Wouldn’t it be more “correct” to say that you love them BECAUSE of it?!

How many times haven’t I told people that “even though you’re like this or that, I still love you”?
I know I’ve said it over and over again. It’s turned in to the way I express my affection.
Not honest and straight up. “I love you” or “I care for you, because you’re special”.
It’s turned it to a joke, or a farce.
“You’re a total nutcase, but I love you anyway.”
And we all laugh. Shrug it of.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.”

I’m not saying it’s not good enough.
At least it’s some way of telling someone that they’re important to you.
But wouldn’t it be better, and so much more genuine to tell them
“I love you because you are who you are, not despite of it.”
Really, it’s what they say and do that made you care for them in the first place!
Why is it so difficult to say that out loud?
Not say “I just put up with all your shit”..
But instead, say “I don’t always understand why you do all the shit you do, but it’s what makes you, YOU”.
Maybe it doesn’t sound much better, but at least it holds a different meaning.

I just had a déjà vu. I guess I’ve talked about this before.
But, if it’s the case that I’m repeating myself, it just shows that it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought.

I guess what I should have told my friend was;
“Yes, you’re still the same, but I love you for being just this way”.
And since I didn’t say that to her.. Well, I guess it’s the reason I’m writing this.

Honestly, I think that this is the only right way to express your love for someone.
“I love you, BECAUSE you are who you are, and NOT despite of it.”
Don’t you?

Have you ever met someone who explained a big decision with the simple phrase “I just knew“?
This phrase never cease to bewilder me.
How can someone just know?

It’s a phrase most often used when choosing a partner.
“I just knew we were meant to be!” or “It just had to be him/her”
People make life-changing decisions every day, based on a feeling..

So where does all this certainty come from?
I have to ask, because I’ve yet to experience that unwavering knowledge that seems to come from nowhere in particular.

Choices – taking opportunities, making gambles -
short-term or long-term, it doesn’t really matter.
A choice make upon a feeling of “this is right”.

As I ponder over peoples inclination to act full-heartedly upon this feeling,
I can’t stop myself from wondering if I ever have.
Maybe unconsciously?

I fail to find a single occasion.
But, discovers an unexpected tendency.
I act – not based on certainty – on impulse.
I have never known, I’ve acted on a whim.
More than once.
I count at least two life-changing decisions made in the heat of the moment,
and a whole lot of little once.
Not all with a happy ending, of course, but surprisingly many.

That feeling of knowing has never settled within my mind,
and I have a theory why.
I analyze.
I take every decision and count my pros and cons.
If I have already made one, I think and rethink if it was the right one.
And somehow I always come up short.
That’s probably why I follow my whims in the bigger matters..and come what may…
I’ve somehow managed to make to polar inclinations work together as one.

I have an overactive mind, what else can I say?
But it still annoys me that I can’t seem to conjure up that knowing feeling.
It seems to be the way people usually decides if it’s meant to be, or not.

For once, I wish I could say, without any doubt in my mind
“I just know it is right” and let that be it.
It’s the ultimate answer, ’cause no one will argue with you.
The only retort is “But how do you know?”.
And what else can you say, but “I just know“.

I guess you might be wondering by now -
does all these questions of min add up to anything?
Sadly, no.
I cannot say where this knowing feeling comes from.
It was never the idea to find it.
It just keeps playing around in my mind,
the answer always dancing right in front of me, but somehow always out of reach.

This whole question came about by an unexpected turn of events.
People – they are all unpredictable creatures.
But some more than others.
A choice was made, and I didn’t see it coming.
How deep it goes, and how far it will reach is still to be discovered.
But a decision was made, on a simple feeling.
“I know, it’s…. But I just knew.”
An indisputable feeling – an answer without any reply.

How easily one mind embrace it,
how slowly another comprehend.

It’s the difference between them, who know,
the once who experience and accept,
and us, that remain unenlightened,
and can’t seem to fathom the sensation.

For once, just once, I wish I could utter those words.
A small request, I would imagine.
A feeling should not be that hard to catch.
All doubt set aside – “I just know“.
It’s a sad and simple little phrase, to be honest.

THERE IS A TRAIN OF THOUGHT RUNNING WILD INSIDE MY HEAD,
I CAN NOT SEEM TO MAKE IT STOP.
IT ONLY PAUSES FOR A WHILE,
IN THE DARK, ABANDONED CORNERS OF MY MIND.
THEN IT STARTS UP AGAIN,
AND KEEPS ON DRIVING AROUND.

IT RUNS TO THE THINGS THAT USED TO BE,
AND THE THINGS THAT NEVER WERE.
IT TAKES ME ON A GUIDES TOUR
- IN MY OWN PAST OF DELUSIONS.
BUT MOST OF THE TIME,
IT CIRCLES AROUND THE THINGS THAT WON’T COME TRUE.
THE THINGS I MUST ADMIT THAT I DESIRE,
BUT THAT I KNOW WILL NEVER BE.

MY TRAIN ONLY STOPS AT THE STRANGEST STATIONS.
THE ONES CALLED “LOVE” OR “FRIENDSHIP”.
THE DUSTY AND ABANDONED “PAST”,
AND THE “FUTURE”, ALWAYS CRADLED WITHIN A BLINDING FOG.
I HAVE A STATION CALLED “SPONTANEITY” ,
BUT IT HAS RARELY BEEN VISITED.
USUALLY THE TRAIN JUST RUSHES BY,
AND COMES TO A HAULT AT “REALITY” OR “REASON”.

BUT TO TELL THE TRUTH,
THERE IS ONE PLACE THAT’S NEVER BEEN IGNORED.
IT IS THE ONE CALLED “IMAGINATION”,
IT IS MY TRAIN OF THOUGHTS’ HOME BASE,
THE PLACE IT ALWAYS LINGERS.
IT’S THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS,
A PLACE  I’M ALWAYS HAPPY,
AND WHERE MY DREAMS ALWAYS COME TRUE.
IN THAT STRANGE AND MYSTERIOUS PLACE,
I LIVE A LIFE WITHOUT SORROW.
IT IS MY HIDING PLACE.

IN MY “IMAGINATION”,
YOU AND I HAVE ALREADY MET.
IN THAT PLACE OF MYSTERY,
YOU HAVE AREADY BECOME MINE.

SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME, “YOU’RE ONE OF A KIND”.
ONE SINGLE SENTENCE THAT STARTED A REVOLUTION IN MY MIND.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS IT GOOD, OR IS IT BAD?
IS IT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SMILE, OR SHOULD IT MAKE ME SAD?
IT SOUNDS PRETTY NICE – THERE IS NO ONE LIKE ME.
BUT DOESN’T THAT MEAN I’M ALSO DOOMED TO BE
ALONE FOR ALL TIME, BECAUSE I’M JUST TOO UNIQUE?
THAT THERE’LL BE NO ONE THERE TO BE MY STRENGTH WHEN I’M WEAK.
DOES “ONE OF A KIND” MEAN I’M DESTINED TO BE LONESOME,
ALWAYS DANCING ALONE TO THE BEATING OF MY OWN DRUM?
I ASSUME IT WAS MEANT IN A GOOD WAY,
BUT I COULDN’T HEAR THE WORDS HE DID SAY.
I HEARD MY DREAMS OF LOVE COME CRASHING DOWN.
IT DIDN’T MAKE ME SMILE, IT ONLY MADE ME FROWN.
I DON’T REALLY WANT TO BE “ONE OF A KIND”.
IT ONLY MEANS THAT MY DESTINY’S SIGNED.
I AM A LONER, THE LAST OF MY TRIBE.
IF I WANT TO BE HAPPY, I MUST BE PREPARED TO STRIVE..

I guess it’s a bit strange of me to post a comic strip by someone else in this creative dumpster of mine.
But when I read it, it made me think.
And I identified  with it.
So I just had to!

I was thinking:
Would life be worth living without the pain?
They say that it makes us feel alive.

And I think they’re right.
How do you know you’re happy if you’ve never been sad?

I KNOW this is a total cliché,
and so be it..

The comic struck a nerve in me.
Especially the last frame.

*sigh*

How BORING life would be without all the up’s and down’s!
I’d choose pain over detachment any day!