My Sphere of Madness

…..I’m lost in dreams.
…..Dreams of an alternate reality.
…..I dream of being another,
…..living a life that is not mine.
…..Feels like I’m starring into a mirror,
…..and behind it, I lead different life.
…..Sleep has become a time-consuming pastime.
…..I’m worried I’m sleeping my life away.
…..I think I might be escaping,
…..but I’m not really sure what from.
…..I’ve been stuck in the same place for so long,
…..and I can’t seem to find my way out.
…..I’m in need of some change,
…..some way or the other.
…..I need to turn into an different me.
…..But I might be wishing for the intangible.

Photo: Karen Tjøstelsdatter Taxerås

I was writing to a friend of mine, rambling on about the good old days, and how we were..
But most of all about how things haven’t changed. Not one bit.
We grew older, yes. And hopefully a bit wiser.
But in the end we’re still the same kids that were hooked on men, and high on love.
(Now, how can you blame us? We’re women, after all..)
And that she’s still a maneater, and that she still think about men and love 24/7.

Ending, and summing up, I told her “But, I love you anyway”.
It does sounds all fine and dandy, doesn’t it?
But then I started thinking;
Isn’t that the same as telling her “I love you, despite of how you are”?
Why do we tell that to people we care about?
Despite all the things you say and do…
Wouldn’t it be more “correct” to say that you love them BECAUSE of it?!

How many times haven’t I told people that “even though you’re like this or that, I still love you”?
I know I’ve said it over and over again. It’s turned in to the way I express my affection.
Not honest and straight up. “I love you” or “I care for you, because you’re special”.
It’s turned it to a joke, or a farce.
“You’re a total nutcase, but I love you anyway.”
And we all laugh. Shrug it of.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.”

I’m not saying it’s not good enough.
At least it’s some way of telling someone that they’re important to you.
But wouldn’t it be better, and so much more genuine to tell them
“I love you because you are who you are, not despite of it.”
Really, it’s what they say and do that made you care for them in the first place!
Why is it so difficult to say that out loud?
Not say “I just put up with all your shit”..
But instead, say “I don’t always understand why you do all the shit you do, but it’s what makes you, YOU”.
Maybe it doesn’t sound much better, but at least it holds a different meaning.

I just had a déjà vu. I guess I’ve talked about this before.
But, if it’s the case that I’m repeating myself, it just shows that it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought.

I guess what I should have told my friend was;
“Yes, you’re still the same, but I love you for being just this way”.
And since I didn’t say that to her.. Well, I guess it’s the reason I’m writing this.

Honestly, I think that this is the only right way to express your love for someone.
“I love you, BECAUSE you are who you are, and NOT despite of it.”
Don’t you?

I’m no poet, my words are simple and plain.
A resort when all other means seems in vain.

Sometimes they come naturally, they find me somehow,
and all I do is receive, say my thanks and bow.

At other times, they hide, and I have to seek them out.
Finding words to compliment my feelings, that’s what it’s all about..

Engrossed in my darkness, feeling lone and weak,
I write down the words I can’t bear to speak.

That’s when I search for my words in all the wrong places,
finding them hidden behind unfamiliar faces.

It’s a strange thing, really, how words can lead you astray,
and at the same time they will guide you back to you way..

I often find that my word making my head spin,
when I thought I was loosing, they make sure I win.

But usually my words take me where I don’t want to go,
telling me things I really don’t want to know.

They dig into my soul, and they’re not very kind,
revealing everything I’ve buried in the back of my mind.

When I pick up my pen, and let my thoughts drift,
they grab the chance, attacking precisely and swift.

Always finding the right spot to cause me distress,
turning my mind into a absolute mess.

Still, I keep on writing, I can’t tell you why.
There’s no explanation, even if I try..

These words, they force their way into my mind,
and I can’t resist writing down the once that I find.

They’re not always cheerful, they often make me sad.
And sometimes, the fact that they’re there, drives me mad.

Words are for writer and poets, not me.
They need someone that understands what they can be.

I believe words are like people, they have different sides,
and you can’t really know what that within them resides.

Yet, I scribble down everything, and nothing at all,
knowing it’ll pick me up when I fall.

My words are my refuge, they keep me from going insane.
And the fact is, it doesn’t really bother me that they’re plain.

Without my writing, my head would probably explode,
or at least my sanity would crumble under the heavy load.

I am not a poet, just an admirer of every word and phrase,
and the astonishing ability they hold to amaze.

I haven’t been a very good blogger lately,
and for this I apologize.
But I have to say, it’s not alway that easy.
When I started blogging on “My Sphere…”,
I made a choice never to bee too personal.
I have another blog for that.
What happens in everyday life wasn’t important.
Creativity and opinions more so..

But as Majann pointed out to me today -
I can’t just separate myself from myself..
Every word I write is obviously ME.
But I’ve still tried to keep some sort of distance.

I failed, and horribly so.
I do acknowledge this fact.
Like my last entry.
Not distanced at all!
Actually, it was quite personal.
Honest and straightforward.
And it taught me this:
One is not supposed to blog at 3.55 in the morning!
Ones judgement is strangely clouded in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I have also made it a rule that I never delete posts.
So,  “When life hands you lemons..” stays.
But I will try not to do it again.
Some thing are not meant for everyone to read.
Sorrow and frustration should not provoke this.

As I might have mentioned,
writing is my way of processing reality.
I often find myself exposed within my words.
And at some points in life, that just doesn’t feel right.
I’m going through a phase like that..

The result: It’s been quiet.
And I can not promise a sudden change in that fact.
I need to process, but I can’t do it here.
Maybe I’ll find it appropriate to publish some old stuff,
or maybe I’ll find a sudden inspiration to write something brand new.
Only time will show.

There is a difference between “me” an the real ME.
“I” write this blog. Dark an despaired as it is.
I  am someone else, and yet the same..
I wrote the last post. Personal an vulnerable.
“I” stray away from reality, and find comfort somewhere far away.

I have created this Sphere for “myself”,
and within it is my sanctuary.
Read the rest of this entry »

The day you walked into my life – I think that’s where I’ll start
this short and unexpected tale of my broken heart.

When we first met, I relished every glance at you that I could steal.
I remember how your radiant and contagious smile made me feel.
If I was ever cold, you’re the one who made me melt.
I can still remember how easy life suddenly felt.

Second time around you swept me away.
My fluttering heart wished for you to stay.
Every second spent together was more than I’d hoped for,
and every kiss you gave me left me yearning for more.

I never thought that I could fall that fast…
But our time was short, it didn’t last.

Looking back, I think you did one thing wrong,
and that was keeping me around way too long.
Yet, I can’t even begin to regret
out time spent together, or the fact that we met.

It was all just too sweet, and I miss it very much -
all the laughs and smiles, the stares, and your warm touch.
I know that it’s over. I listened, you know.
But I still find it hard to actually let go.

I surprised myself with how deep my feelings ran.
And you saying goodbye was never part of the plan.

But there is no way I can blame you for all this pain.
I can only say, you efforts was not in vain.
You made me fall in love. Though it seemed an impossible task,
you somehow got to the real me – hiding behind my mask.

It’s just sad that you didn’t stick around
to claim that beating heart that you finally had found..