My Sphere of Madness

WHITE WALLS OFFER ME NO COMFORT,
THEY’LL NEVER MAKE ME FEEL AT HOME.

WHITE WALLS FRIGHTENS ME WITH THEIR COLD,
THEY MAKE ME NERVOUS, THEY MAKE ME ROAM.

WHITE WALLS SURROUNDING ME, MAKES ME FEEL ALONE.
THEY HOLD NO LOVE, THE HEART HAS ALREADY FLOWN.

WHITE WALLS HOLDS ME THEIR CAPTIVE,
DEMANDS MY PRESENCE ‘TILL I’VE PAID THE COST.

THESE WHITE WALLS, THEY SCARE ME NOW,
THEY’RE A SYMBOL OF ALL I’VE LOST.

I haven’t been a very good blogger lately,
and for this I apologize.
But I have to say, it’s not alway that easy.
When I started blogging on “My Sphere…”,
I made a choice never to bee too personal.
I have another blog for that.
What happens in everyday life wasn’t important.
Creativity and opinions more so..

But as Majann pointed out to me today -
I can’t just separate myself from myself..
Every word I write is obviously ME.
But I’ve still tried to keep some sort of distance.

I failed, and horribly so.
I do acknowledge this fact.
Like my last entry.
Not distanced at all!
Actually, it was quite personal.
Honest and straightforward.
And it taught me this:
One is not supposed to blog at 3.55 in the morning!
Ones judgement is strangely clouded in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I have also made it a rule that I never delete posts.
So,  “When life hands you lemons..” stays.
But I will try not to do it again.
Some thing are not meant for everyone to read.
Sorrow and frustration should not provoke this.

As I might have mentioned,
writing is my way of processing reality.
I often find myself exposed within my words.
And at some points in life, that just doesn’t feel right.
I’m going through a phase like that..

The result: It’s been quiet.
And I can not promise a sudden change in that fact.
I need to process, but I can’t do it here.
Maybe I’ll find it appropriate to publish some old stuff,
or maybe I’ll find a sudden inspiration to write something brand new.
Only time will show.

There is a difference between “me” an the real ME.
“I” write this blog. Dark an despaired as it is.
I  am someone else, and yet the same..
I wrote the last post. Personal an vulnerable.
“I” stray away from reality, and find comfort somewhere far away.

I have created this Sphere for “myself”,
and within it is my sanctuary.
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I’VE HEARD IT SO MANY TIMES BEFORE:
YOU CAN’T STAY THIS DARK FOR LONG.
BUT I KNOW, THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY YEARNING FOR MORE.
AND NOTHING YOU SAY CAN CONVINCE ME I’M WRONG!
YOU SAY YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHAT’S INSIDE MY MIND,
AND EVERY TIME THAT I SLIP, YOU TURN OF YOUR SMILE,
AND TELL ME THAT I OUGHT TO UNWIND,
AND MAYBE TRY BEING CHEERFUL ONCE IN A WHILE..

BUT YOU KNOW, I’LL SAY THIS, ONCE AND FOR ALL:
I DON’T REALLY CARE IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!
MY DARK WORDS DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T STAND TALL,
IT’S JUST THAT I DON’T WANT THESE WORDS OF MINE FORGOT.
THE EASIEST THING IS TO WRITE THEM DOWN,
YOU TELL ME, WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?
‘CAUSE IF I DIDN’T, I’D REDDEN THE TOWN,
AND MY FIRST VICTIM WOULD PROBABLY BE YOU.

SO PLEASE, STOP COMPLAINING AND TELL ME TO SMILE.
I AM PRETTY HAPPY, I SWEAR THAT IT’S TRUE.
MY SMILE COMES OUT MORE THAN JUST ONCE IN A WHILE,
IT’S JUST THAT I’M NOT NECESSARILY SMILING AT YOU..

Just like last year,
and the year before that.

And it hasn’t changed.
Well, not since the last couple of years, that is.
‘Cause it’s not like it was like when I was a kid.
I don’t know when it happened.
But it must have been slow change,
and most likely, it took place inside my head.

Age and wits killed my holiday spirit.

When I was a small child,
there was something magical about Christmas.
The snow, and the darkness created the perfect frame
for a season built around anticipation, family and joy.

Silence.
Reflection.

These two words have always been key-words.
But the meaning’s changes.
I’ve changed.
We’ve all changed.

New word have been added to my Christmas-vocabulary.
Like ’stress’.
A child has nothing to worry about, just show up!
An adult has duties.

Gift shopping is a nightmare.
All the people, and the stress, and pressure.
And the money…

“It’s not the gift that matters, it’s the thought.”

Yeah, right!
No one really MEANS that..
It’s sad, but true.

There’s nothing magic about my Christmas anymore.
Christmas means a crowded house,
arguing and yelling (’cause everyone’s so pressured),
stressing over finding the “right gift” for people,
knowing quite well that they’ll probably take it back,
or give it one look before they forget all about it.

And then there’s the matter of making the house look nice.
Fighting over this and that (thing that don’t really matter),
and making a huge fuss over minor details
just because everything has to be perfect!
Making it cozy is a matter of life and death…

I think..
..that one year, in the very near future,
I’ll have to go away for Christmas.
Letting people do what they do
(slowly killing themselves),
and resign from the whole Christmas charade.

Say “This year, you all get a a card from wherever, and that’s it.
I love you, and wish you all a merry Christmas. But count me out.
My Christmas gift for myself this year will be a journey to a place far, far away.
See you all next year. May it be better than the last one!”

So I guess I have one wish for this Christmas.
(You’re supposed to have one, right?)
That you’ll all just chill out, shut up, and let me be.
I want this Christmas to be silent, slow, and dark.
Let me travel far away, to that ‘happy place’ inside my head.
And I’ll shut up, and let you do whatever you like.

And then maybe, just maybe,
I’ll survive this Christmas too…

CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT

IT DOESN’T MATTER WICH NAME YOU GIVE IT
‘CAUSE IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT IN THE END, YOU’RE STILL ALL ALONE

AND NO ONE WANT’S TO BE ALONE WHEN THE SNOW STARTS FALLING