My Sphere of Madness

…..I’m lost in dreams.
…..Dreams of an alternate reality.
…..I dream of being another,
…..living a life that is not mine.
…..Feels like I’m starring into a mirror,
…..and behind it, I lead different life.
…..Sleep has become a time-consuming pastime.
…..I’m worried I’m sleeping my life away.
…..I think I might be escaping,
…..but I’m not really sure what from.
…..I’ve been stuck in the same place for so long,
…..and I can’t seem to find my way out.
…..I’m in need of some change,
…..some way or the other.
…..I need to turn into an different me.
…..But I might be wishing for the intangible.

HALF HIDDEN BEHIND A MIST OF GREY IS A FUTURE I’LL NEVER SEE -
THE LIFE I’D LEAD IF I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE THE TRUE ME.
BUT HERE I STAND, HIDING BEHIND A MASK, WEARING A PERPETUAL SMILE.
WALKING IN SOMEONE ELSES SHOES, TRUDGING DOWN A MADE-UP GREEN MILE.

TWO PATHS ALWAYS IN FRONT OF ME, MY SHACKLES LEAD MY WAY.
WALKING STRAIGHT INTO THE DARK, BESIDE ME, ON THE OTHER PATH, I CAN FEEL THE SUN THAT RAY.
MY CHIN HELD HIGH, GAZING INTO THE NOTHINGNESS, I TRY STEALING GLIMPSES OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.
SOMETIMES THE SPACE BETWEEN THE TWO PATHS FEELS SO GRASPABLE AND THIN.
BUT I REMAIN BOUND TO MY OWN, THE RESULT OF CHOICES THAT TURNED BAD.
I DREAM OF WALKING INTO THE MIST, DISCOVERING WHAT I MIGHT HAVE HAD.

AROUND ME THE TREES ARE BARE, THE GROUND COVERED WITH SHIMMERING SNOW.
THE ILLUSION WAS SO TEMPTING, BUT ONLY ALLOWED ME TO SEE MY OWN DOWNFALL FROM FRONT ROW.
LIKE IN A THEATER, I WATCHED MYSELF TAKE THE FIRST, UNCERTAIN STEPS WILLINGLY INTO THE COLD.
KNOWING NOW THAT I’M COMPELLED TO WALK THIS ROAD AS I GROW OLD.

THE OTHER LIFE, HIDDEN FROM ME BEHIND A MISTY FILM, IS WHAT KEEPS ME ALIVE.
IMAGINING CROSSING OVER TO THAT SECOND PATH, IS MY MOTIVATION TO STRIVE.
A PRIZE SO FULFILLING JUST OUTSIDE THE BOUNDARIES OF MY GRIP,
AND EVERY TIME I REACH FOR IT, I  ALLOW MY PAIN TO RIP.
I KNOW THAT WHAT I YEARN FOR CAN NEVER BE MINE,
SO I WEAR MY SMILING MASK WITH DIGNITY, PRETENDING THAT I’M FINE.

BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSER, YOU’LL SEE HOW MY WRISTS AND FINGERS BLEED.
TEARING AT MY SHACKLES, I’VE STRUGGLED TO BE FREED.
MY MIND ALWAYS IN ANOTHER LIFE, MY BODY REMAINS IN THIS.
I LONG FOR THE SUNLIGHT, DESIRE THINGS I DON’T KNOW I MISS.

NOT KNOWING WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN KEEPS ME GOING,
LET’S ME TAKE ON ALL THE PAIN THAT THIS LIFE KEEPS ON THROWING.
I STRUGGLE FOR MY FREEDOM, AN ABILITY TO WALK EFFORTLESS OVER TO THAT OTHER PATH.
KNOWING IT’S MY OWN FAULT I’M HERE, I NOURISH ON MY WRATH.
IT MAKES ME STRONGER, LET’S ME SHINE IN THIS CHARADE.
I AM A PRISONER OF BAD CHOICES, CAPTIVATED BY THE DECISIONS THAT I’VE MADE.

MY PUNISHMENT IS ALL IN MY MIND, MY BODY’S ALWAYS BEEN FREE.
BUT MY SIGHT IS CLOUDED, ONLY SEEING WHAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO SEE.
TWO PARALLEL PATHS IN FRONT OF ME, ONE WITHIN A HAZE, THE OTHER CLEAR AS DAY.
I STICK TO THE OBVIOUS ONE, SEEMING DESTINED – I NEVER HAD A SAY..

STILL, I BROUGHT THIS ON MYSELF, I KNOW THAT MUCH IS TRUE.
AND I’D PROBABLY MAKE MY CHOICES TWICE, EVEN IF I KNEW.
I DECIDED TO WEAR THIS MASK OF MINE, MY SHACKLES WERE LOCKED BY MY OWN HAND.
THE KEY IS HIDDEN SOMEWHERE ONLY I KNOW, WITHIN MY OWN FICTIONAL DREAMLAND.
I HOLD THE POWER TO LIVE OR TO LET DIE.
THEREFOR, I WEAR MY STRAINED SMILE -  I HAVE NO REASON TO CRY.

I GUESS THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I WISHED IT SO.
BUT I’LL STAY A CAPTIVE, THAT IS MY CHOISE – SO I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW.

YOU LEFT IT ON MY DOORSTEP WHEN YOU LEFT, A LITTLE HEART OF SOLID GOLD.
MYSTIFIED BY IT’S LOCATION, I WONDERED WHAT YOUR ACTION TOLD.
‘CAUSE THERE IT LAID, OUT OF PLACE, TOGETHER WITH A NOTE.
JUST ONE SINGLE LINE WAS ALL THAT YOU HAD WROTE.
IT LEFT ME EMPTY AND AT A LOSS, THERE WAS NO GRUDGE TO BE HELD.
IT WAS A TEST, I HAD BEEN WARNED. “I GUSS THIS MEANS YOU FAILED.”
YOU’D SAID IT SO MANY YEARS AGO, I’D ALMOST FORGOT YOUR DARE.
WHEN YOU PUT THE HEART AROUND MY NECK AND RAN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR..
“ONE DAY I’LL TRY TO STEAL IT BACK, SO YOU BETTER KEEP IT SAFE AND SOUND.”
AND I PROTECTED IT WITH MY LIFE, ALWAYS HAD IT AROUND.
BUT JUST ONE DAY OUT OF SIGH, SOON IT WAS OUT OF MIND.
I MEANT NO HARM, BUT SOMEHOW YOUR HEART WAS LEFT BEHIND.
LEFT UNATTENDED, THE NECKLACE LOST IT’S SHINE.
AND WITH IT’S DECAY, THE HEART CEASED TO BE MINE..
A LITTLE HEART OF SOLID GOLD WAS WHAT YOU LEFT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR.
BUT IT TOLD THAT YOU HAD TAKEN YOURS BACK, YOU COULDN’T TRUST ME WITH IT ANY MORE.
BEING EASILY ACCUSTOMED – THAT’S ALL I’M GUILTY OF.
BUT TO ASSUME, AND NOT CONFIRM, CAN SOMETIMES BE ENOUGH.
I HAD YOU HEART WITHIN MY REACH, I JUST NEEDED TO HOLD ON.
BUT MY GRIP WAS FEEBLE, AND NOW YOU’RE FOREVER GONE.

THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!
‘CAUSE I KNOW WHERE I WANT TO BE.
BUT YOU WON’T MAKE A MOVE, STAY COMPLETELY STILL.
YOUR ACTIONS RESOUND YOUR DETERMINED WILL.
YOU TELL ME NOTHING, WON’T SAY ONE WORD,
THINKING I WOULDN’T LIKE WHAT I HEARD.
BUT YOU MUST KNOW, I WANT TO UNDERSTAND
HOW I CAN GET HOLD ON YOUR ELUSIVE HAND.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO BREACH YOUR LINE,
HOW I CAN REACH YOU, AND MAKE YOU MINE..

THERE ARE PLACES YOU JUST CAN’T SETTLE DOWN,
BEING THE BIG CITY OR A SMALL, DESERTED TOWN.
PLACES THAT STAY IN YOU HEART, LONG AFTER YOU’RE GONE.
PLACES ONLY TEMPORARY – JUST WAITING TO MOVE ON.
PLACES YOU FALL FOR AT ONCE, A PLACE YOU’RE MEANT TO BE.
THE PLACE YOU’D IMAGIN GROWING OLD, IF YOU ONLY CLOSED YOU EYES TO SEE..
BUT PLACES ARE JUST PASSING MATTERS. YOU COME, YOU SEE, YOU GO.
AND IF YOU DON’T TAKE A MOMENT TO CONSIDER, I GUESS YOU’LL NEVER KNOW. Read the rest of this entry »