All by myself
I spend most of my days in my own company. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating a fact.
Being alone is usually considered a bad thing. They say people aren’t supposed to be alone, it’s not how we’re created. We flock together and being alone doesn’t seem natural to us.
We often confuse being alone with feeling alone, feeling lonely. For some reason you’re not supposed to be alone, you’re supposed to feel lonely when you’re not together with other people.
At least that’s what they say.
I don’t get it. Most of my childhood and even more as I grow older, I find myself enjoying my own company. Sure, there might be a slight chance that I’m becoming a little bit odd, spending all on my time alone with no one to talk to than my plants, but I’m okay with that.
Spending time alone is a strange sort of therapy for me. If there’s been a period of time where I’ve spent too much time with other people, I tend to get stressed. I need my alone time, to calm down and relax, to be at ease with being myself.
In company with other people there are so many rules to follow. Remember what to say, or what you’re not supposed to say, be polite, be sociable, be this and be that. Do this, do that, remember what not to do.
I’ve heard people say that you learn most about yourself in the company of other people and in a way I think that’s true. On the other hand I believe you learn just as much about yourself, if not more, being by yourself for a longer period of time. I figure that if you can’t stand being around yourself, with no one else to distract you, how could anyone else?
At least that’s what I think.
Still, I think the most interesting aspect of being alone is the difference between just that, being alone and feeling alone, feeling lonely. I’ve always believed solitude to be a physical state and loneliness to be a state of mind.
With all the time I spend in my own company, one would probably think I spent more time that I do feeling lonely. I often wonder why it’s not like that. I’ve never had a problem being alone, I’ve never had that need to constantly be around others. I enjoy spending time in solitude, to be able to reflect and ponder, to undisturbed do my own things, simply being able to be me, without anyone else interrupting, without feeling the need to be anything else that just that, alone.
I’m not saying I never feel lonely, or that I don’t enjoy being around other people. I’m not saying I don’t need anyone else or that I never wish I had someone to share things with. I’m not saying I’m happiest on my own, I’m just saying I’m comfortable in my own company, that I don’t mind spending time on my own.
The question it then: Why do I have the need to say this? I’m not sure.
Someone asked me a while back how I spend my days. I told him that I spend my days working, then I spend my evenings alone in my apartment. He was puzzled. His follow up question was: You don’t do anything, you don’t go out with your friends, have a hobby or at least something to keep you busy? My answer was no. I guess it’s a half-lie, as I do all of those things. But normally, I don’t. I spend my days by myself, I do this and that, keeping myself entertained in one way or another, but the thing people tend to get stuck on is the fact that I do it alone.
I honestly don’t get it. Why is being alone such a bad thing? Why are we supposed to feel bad every time we’re left to our own demise? Who decided that’s the way it’s supposed to be? Why is being able to enjoy solitude a bad thing, while feeling lonely is the norm? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?
It’s just a thought…
I think we all have parts of our life that the public would deem “not normal”. It does not mean its wrong or right. Personally I retract to video games when there’s too much noice.
Now I’m not saying I’m “like you”, or “Know how you feel”, because honestly those two sentences are so full of shit even the New Yors sewer system would overflow. What I can relate to is needing time to think things through with just “me”.
Some people run away from things. they can not abide quiet, or having to face themselves for longer periods of time. I would implode if I didnt take time to reflect, adjust and simply be me. For me its a strength which makes me able to face all kinds of situations and still be secure, but I suppose also a weakness, as I need to readjust for changes, both within and without.
Anyway, here’s to not being normal. Who can say what is anyway? And to hoping you’ll invite some of us to that apartment eventually
PK
I know you’re right, it just annoys me. Why do I have to DO things, why do I have so see people, why do I have to have a hobby the forces me to leave my apartment at meet other people? I have hobbies, you know. It’s just that I can do them from my couch
And you know what? I’m perfectly fine with that. I usually retract to my computer (or my notebook), when there’s too much noise, and I write.
I do think you know how I feel, but let’s leave the clichés out for now. I’m actually actively avoiding people at the moment. There’s just been too much for a long while and I desperately need some time to myself. Sometimes I feel bad, but most days I feel proud I have the ability to say ‘no’. I need time to nurture my solitude, you know…
And I believe you are right. There are so many people out there that can’t stand the silence, can’t stand to be alone in their own company. I pity them.
Finding strength within is good. Actually, I think thats’s the only place anyone should look. You can’t depend on others to be strong for you. Well, there are times I guess we all do need that, but I mean as a general rule.(I know you understand what I mean.) I’m not that that when it comes to change, though. Sure, I need to think things though, but I think I’m sort of too spontaneous to having to dwell on things, letting them simmer for a while before they’re okay. I sort of go the other way around: Just do it and then you can adjust to it later. Yeah, it’s sort of twisted, but it works.
“I’ll drink to that!” (And yes, I do hate myself a little bit for quoting Rihanna, but f**k it.) I think no one can claim to be ‘normal’, just ‘boring’.
And I’ve said it before (but perhaps no to you), but I can say it again. I’ll invite you all over once I’ve unpacked all of my boxes. Hopefully it won’t be too long, there’s only one left. Then again, I do have a tendency to keep things like this around.. But you know, that’s a whole other story.
Ine