Dreaming
…..I’m lost in dreams.
…..Dreams of an alternate reality.
…..I dream of being another,
…..living a life that is not mine.
…..Feels like I’m starring into a mirror,
…..and behind it, I lead different life.
…..Sleep has become a time-consuming pastime.
…..I’m worried I’m sleeping my life away.
…..I think I might be escaping,
…..but I’m not really sure what from.
…..I’ve been stuck in the same place for so long,
…..and I can’t seem to find my way out.
…..I’m in need of some change,
…..some way or the other.
…..I need to turn into an different me.
…..But I might be wishing for the intangible.
Despite of, or because of? What’s the difference, really?
Photo: Karen Tjøstelsdatter Taxerås
I was writing to a friend of mine, rambling on about the good old days, and how we were..
But most of all about how things haven’t changed. Not one bit.
We grew older, yes. And hopefully a bit wiser.
But in the end we’re still the same kids that were hooked on men, and high on love.
(Now, how can you blame us? We’re women, after all..)
And that she’s still a maneater, and that she still think about men and love 24/7.
Ending, and summing up, I told her “But, I love you anyway”.
It does sounds all fine and dandy, doesn’t it?
But then I started thinking;
Isn’t that the same as telling her “I love you, despite of how you are”?
Why do we tell that to people we care about?
Despite all the things you say and do…
Wouldn’t it be more “correct” to say that you love them BECAUSE of it?!
How many times haven’t I told people that “even though you’re like this or that, I still love you”?
I know I’ve said it over and over again. It’s turned in to the way I express my affection.
Not honest and straight up. “I love you” or “I care for you, because you’re special”.
It’s turned it to a joke, or a farce.
“You’re a total nutcase, but I love you anyway.”
And we all laugh. Shrug it of.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.”
I’m not saying it’s not good enough.
At least it’s some way of telling someone that they’re important to you.
But wouldn’t it be better, and so much more genuine to tell them
“I love you because you are who you are, not despite of it.”
Really, it’s what they say and do that made you care for them in the first place!
Why is it so difficult to say that out loud?
Not say “I just put up with all your shit”..
But instead, say “I don’t always understand why you do all the shit you do, but it’s what makes you, YOU”.
Maybe it doesn’t sound much better, but at least it holds a different meaning.
I just had a déjà vu. I guess I’ve talked about this before.
But, if it’s the case that I’m repeating myself, it just shows that it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought.
I guess what I should have told my friend was;
“Yes, you’re still the same, but I love you for being just this way”.
And since I didn’t say that to her.. Well, I guess it’s the reason I’m writing this.
Honestly, I think that this is the only right way to express your love for someone.
“I love you, BECAUSE you are who you are, and NOT despite of it.”
Don’t you?
My dear friend
I encountered Death today, he sat beside me on a bench in the park, an old man hardened by his many years. We sat a long while in silence, as I watched him feeding the pigeons. He sighed and gazed after them as they took flight into the clear blue sky.
“It wears an old man out, this work I do.” He said as he looked right through me with a distant stare. “It tires me not being wanted when I come. And it breaks my heart when they welcome me with a smile.”
I studied his face, as I memorized each furrow and line. I took note of crooked fingers on hands that were shaking, nearly unnoticeable. A long life on duty in the afterlife, as a bringer and a guide, was reflected in his eyes, and had given him a sorrowful smile.
He sighed again, and closed his eyes. And as I watched my aging friend, I couldn’t help but wonder; could Death ever retire?
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